(no subject)

[mod_kyloren_awakening]

I've been having dreams.

Nightmares, I guess. Most of the time, anyway. I wake up, and I'm crying--like I'm some sort of kid. My face is pressed in the pillow and I'm crying and I'm waiting. Waiting to die, I think. Waiting for him to kill me.

Other times, I wake, and I'm screaming, except it's all in my head. It's muffled there, like there are pieces of me that aren't open yet. Like I'm a big, empty house with too many doors that lock. It frightens me, when I think about that too much--when I think about what could be hiding behind those doors. So I try to make myself think about it as much as I can stomach. It's better to be afraid of something you know than something you can't see coming. Right? I think that's right.

I want to fight it. I want to fight my own brain. I want to rip it apart and put it back together and be normal--but then when I think that, I don't want it at all, because he loved me for not being normal. He loved that I surprised him. That I frightened him. That I threw myself away for him.

I wish I knew who he was. If I did, I don't think I'd feel so much like crying. Like some kid. Weak. Stupid and weak; it makes me want to fight.

Instead, I will keep saving whatever money I can. She bought me coffee and she didn't have to. I want to do that too. Because it felt nice. Maybe it'll feel nice on the other side. I just want to feel nice sometimes.

Journaling is stupid.



Siri

If we ran away, where is the first place we would go?



Amir

I hate the weekends.

School is stupid because everyone there is stupid, but I like watching you. I like the way you shape words. I like your eyelashes. I like knowing you hate them. People, I mean. The people who pretend to like you. No one really does, you know. I'm the only one.

I'm trying to be nice to people I meet. I think I want to be nice sometimes. Other times, I don't. Other times, I can't stand to be near anyone. Except Siri. Siri is better than you, objectively. She's better than me, too. She's good. We're not.

I want to consume you, I think. Is that weird? I don't mean cannibalism. That would be weird. I mean-- I don't know. I just want it. I want to protect you. I want to strike you, or touch your eyelashes. I like them, remember. I don't even know why.

I moved something with my mind, thinking of you. I probably hallucinated it. The Cleavers say I'm crazy, when they think I can't hear them. They're probably right. Usually I ignore them, but it's harder when I don't have school to go to. There aren't even any idiots trying to fight with me in this neighborhood. Not anymore. I was too strong for them--I need to be more careful to pull my punches next time.

If I could read your mind, would you let me?

I hate the weekends.

Comments

[huxter]

No, I wouldn't let you read my mind, but I'd let yours brush against mine. I would let you feel what I'm feeling. Though I'm not sure if I feel a lot, compared to other people.

I don't like weekends either. It's boring to be alone.

And are you saying you want to have sex with me?

[mod_kyloren_awakening]

I would probably read some of it anyway. I'm trying to be nice, but I'm not very. But I'd find a way to let you read some of mine too. I think you'd like it. It's like a hurricane. I shrink I want to once asked me to draw what I was thinking, and that's what I heard her tell the fosters we were with it was like. I didn't know what the word meant them, but I found out. Siri helped me. She's very smart.

You're very smart. Your mind must be like a apothecary box. I like all the drawers.

Ignore that part, that sounds weird.

You'd feel things around me. Even if it's hatred. I know you would. But I don't know if I want to have sex with you. If you wanted to have sex with me, then I would want to with you, because I would, I don't know, feed off that want. But you don't think of yourself as a sexual person. I don't know if I am. I've never wanted to with anyone. I had to pretend once, because our uncle wanted to fuck me and we needed me to act like I liked it when he did stuff like that so we could make sure he got sent away. He's in prison now, forever, because he's disgusting. I didn't like that, but you wouldn't be like that. You're

I don't know how to describe it. You're the only thing, person, whatever, I wanted. I don't know if it's sexual. I can't tell, because you can't tell, but I want to stake a claim on you and let you carve your name in my skin.

I had this weird thought just now that you were my first kiss. I was 30, and we kissed and pretended we didn't want it, but we never wanted anything more. And then you almost died. But it's okay. I killed everyone who touched you.

Only Siri lets me talk and doesn't tell me to shut up and stop being weird. I like you. I really do want to touch your eyelashes. They're so delicate. It's funny, that they're so pale and delicate, and the rest of you is not.

[huxter]

My mind isn't like that. It's very neat and orderly. You're right that it's like an apothecary box, with little drawers and compartments for everything. (My mother has a table like that. She keeps twigs and dried flowers and leaves in it, all from Lebanon.) I'm fairly sure I'd be able to find a way to keep your mind out of mine, with that sort of organization, but you'd be free to try. Your uncle sounds terrible. Some people should just die. I'm not sure what you're talking about regarding a kiss—you're obviously nowhere near 30, and I've never kissed anyone romantically. It seems like it would be disgusting. Not kissing you personally, but kissing in general. 

[mod_kyloren_awakening]

I'm very powerful.

I don't know why I said that. You can laugh at me. Sometimes I like that.

I don't know what I meant either. It was a feeling I had. I think kissing most people would be gross, too. I don't know how I feel about sex, but I do think I would like kissing you. It would be like stealing your breath, and giving you mine. I like that idea. But I would bite. I'm sorry. I just know I would bite your mouth somehow. Maybe it's better that you don't want to kiss.

[huxter]

Of course you're powerful. Everything about you exudes power. Biting would not be as gross as kissing. There's no saliva involved, necessarily.  I'd bite you back.

[mod_kyloren_awakening]

I would like that. A lot.

[huxter]

I could not have marks that would show.

[mod_kyloren_awakening]

Your hipbone, then.

You could mark me anywhere. There's no one but Siri who would care what marks I have on me.

[huxter]

Let's try it.

[mod_kyloren_awakening]

Now?

[huxter]

I'm alone.

[mod_kyloren_awakening]

Okay.

Ben

[dark_haired]

Practical running away or awesome running away?

Siri

[mod_kyloren_awakening]

Both. You pick.

Ben

[dark_haired]

I wanna see the northern lights. We could go to Norway or Finland, way up north where there are barely any people. You would probably get bitten by a reindeer.

Siri

[mod_kyloren_awakening]

I could make a blanket out of it, so that's okay.

What else?

Ben

[dark_haired]

No turning the reindeer into a blanket. He's going to be my noble steed. The biting is just payback for that time you bit me when we were five.

I dunno. Is there a place where people aren't assholes?

Re: Ben

[mod_kyloren_awakening]

A reindeer is a steed? No it isn't. It's dinner.

No. People are assholes everywhere, in every galaxy.